Five years. Five years since my world was turned upside down. Five years of missing, of yearning, of wondering what if.

My mind races back to the past, and then jumps forward to the present. I think about how back then it hurt to breathe, how just breathing felt like a betrayal to my son. Babies are supposed to outlive their parents. I should have died. He should have been saved.

If anyone told me that I could have some semblance of being happy, or that I would be planning my daughter’s first birthday while simultaneously pining away for a day with my firstborn son, I would have laughed in their face. Life at times seems normal- on the outside we look like a normal family. On the inside- I will never be whole; there is always a piece of me, a piece of this family, that is missing.

It may be five years that have passed, but the pain still hurts. The wound still feels raw. On days like this, the absence of a happy 5 year old’s laughter is deafening. I thought it would be different, that in five years, I could look back and say “yeah, that was a time in my life that sucked. But I’m better now”. I was so stupid for feeling like that, that I could dismiss a piece of my heart.

I miss you, Collin. I miss those baby cuddles that I was robbed of with you, smelling your sweet baby smell. I miss the first smile I never got to see, those first steps I never got to squeal with glee (and pride over). I miss you so much, the ache never goes away. I wish I could jump off the world some days, and wherever I landed, I would be there with you. And we would cuddle, and tickle,and play, and sing songs. I miss never getting to run my hands through your hair, or rub your belly. I miss not hearing your deep baby sleep breathing. I miss it all.

Five years later, the missing doesn’t stop. I miss you so much bubba boy.

Sorry for such a late post! I’m not going to make any excuses about it. I just am too tired (and busy chasing around the kids) to blog during the day, and too busy working at night to blog at night. I blog when I can, when I don’t have writers block. Sorry.

We celebrated Cooper’s birthday a few weeks ago. He had a cowboy themed birthday party, held at his grandparents house with two horses. They were commissioned for pony rides. We went up to his grandparents house for a sleep over, and when he went to sleep MacD and I set up party decorations. When he woke up he told us “THESE DECORATIONS ARE AWESOME!” I loved his enthusiasm. He also loved his cake, and loved having everyone sing to him.

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I found on Pinterest. They were big hits with the kids- Cooper calls his pony Calypso and even 3 weeks later he rides him around.


I’m so grateful for my little (now big) boy. He’s my rainbow, my pride and joy, and (as I always tell him) the best Cooper in the whole wide world.

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of White Cloud Diapers. All thoughts and opinions are my own, I am so thrilled to have this opportunity to work with Wal-Mart and receive White Cloud Diapers for my little one to try out!

I was recently invited to a baby shower diaper party to try out White Cloud diapers. The party was so much fun! When we first arrived at the party, I was amazed to see the vast amount of White Cloud diapers upon entering the party. Image

Our wonderful hostess Danielle, from Simmworks Family Blog, held a contest for tweeting the most about the party; the prize was this absolutely beautiful Petunia Picklebottom diaper bag.


I am so bummed I didn’t win the contest, but that just means I will have to splurge on getting one for myself.

I was lucky enough to be able to take my kids to the party as well. They had a great time making friends while the mommas chatted away. Cooper has so much fun playing and making new friends that he really did not want to leave the party when it was time to go home.


After the party, I tried the diapers on Cooper. We usually use Luvs diapers, mainly because they are priced at budget friendly price point. This is a big thing I keep in mind since I am buying diapers for two. Unfortunately, Luvs diapers seems to leak and sag, especially with his overnight diaper.

I am pleasantly surprised with the White Cloud diapers. They are priced similarly to the Luvs diapers, so they still remain within my budget. They also seem to fit Cooper a little bit better than the Luvs diapers; I didn’t see any marks on his hips where the diapers rubbed like I usually do when he wears the Luvs diapers. And most importantly, the White Cloud diapers do not sag or leak! Cooper even likes the little hippo print on his diaper and will ask specifically for me to put the hippo on him. Suffice to say, White Cloud diapers exceeds my expectations in White Cloud diapers, and I will be purchasing them in the future.

Diapering can be one of the biggest expenses in a family’s weekly budget and a great performing diaper is a must-have for parents. In order to make this affordable, Wal-Mart has reintroduced their premium line of White Cloud diapers to address the needs of today’s busy parents.

White Cloud Diapers provide your baby the highest quality diaper with superior leakage protection, exceptional softness and great fit. White Cloud Diapers are available exclusively at Walmart, where you can find low prices everyday on all your family’s needs. Check them out today!

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of #WhiteCloudDiapers.

Coop Today, I celebrate the birth of my rainbow baby.  I celebrate all the anxiety and anticipation of that pregnancy; the near panic attack I had the night before Cooper was born.  I was convinced that sometime during the night, his heart would stop.  We would find out in the morning upon arrival for my scheduled c-section. And our world would come crashing down, again. I could visualize the nurses looking for heartbeat but the room being completely silent.

How grateful I am that my outcome was the complete opposite. I had never let my mind go there, to visualize birthing a live baby. After losing Collin, I was afraid of getting my hopes up. I learned nothing is guaranteed, not even the birth of your baby, even if you and your doctor watched you and baby like a hawk.

All the tears, the late night panic attacks…it was all worth it. I have my rainbow baby. My pride and joy.

Except now, my baby boy is not a baby boy anymore. He’s 3 years old. He eats solid foods and doesn’t drink out of a bottle. He makes full, coherent sentences. He’s a full on toddler. He knows what he wants, and when he wants it. And when he sets his sights on something, there is no changing his mind. He is my mini me. He has a love of animals just like I do. He loves to be silly. He loves to go to school, and loves to show off.  He is kind hearted and cuddly. He is curious and loves to learn. And he loves his baby sister in ways that surprise me. He may look like his daddy but he is my personality. And I wouldn’t have him any other way.

Even though he is gone, I will always carry part of Collin with me.

My house is never quiet. There is always conversation at the table as we eat meals. I hear giggles and laughter coming from the kitchen table, as I sit in the living room nursing Jaylynn. You and your brother share this humor only brothers get, and you keep each other entertained for hours. Toys are strewn about the house, dotting the floor as if they are land mines. And boy do the hurt when you step on them. Sometimes there is a battle over toys, but you like sharing and playing together more than fighting.

Bedtime isn’t easy. I hear splish splashes, and more giggles coming from the bathtub. I swear there is more water on the floor than there was water in the tub to begin with. After your bath, you climb into your bed. We say our goodnights, and turn out the light.

I hear giggles from the bedroom 10 minutes later.  You have crawled into the bottom bunk with your little brother, deep in the throws of a tickle fight. I come back into your room and tell you boys it is time for bed as you have school the next morning. You begin to tell your brother about school, and how excited you are that he is coming with you. You tell him about your teacher and how much you love her.

An hour later, as I turn in for bed, I check in on the two of you. You two are cuddled in bed together, feet to feet, sound asleep. I go to my room, and cuddle your baby sister, nursing her as I drift off to sleep. Just another day in this momma’s busy life.

I love my life as it is. I love watching Cooper tickle his baby sister. I love watching Jay study Cooper, watching him play with his toys, and cry with him when he is sad. I love that Cooper has taken an interest in her and delights when he gets her to laugh.

But what I wouldn’t give to have a day with all 3 of my children, as I picture in my alternate reality.

So today I watched this news article, which intended to be positive and hopeful, and show just how far our medical advances had come. The article read:

“But just 8 days ago, Leo was in danger of sustaining lifelong brain damage. During labor, his placenta separated early, depriving him of oxygen. He was delivered without a heartbeat.

“There was just no sound. Nothing,” said Leo’s mother, Annie Keeling. “I could tell instantly just by the mood something wasn’t right and didn’t hear any crying.”

The silence lasted 12 minutes.

He was taken to the Neurological Intensive Care Unit at Sharp Mary Birch Hospital once his heart started beating. The lack of oxygen left Leo with an 80 percent risk of having severe neurological impairment or death, doctors said.”

The new momma in the article had a placental abruption, like me. And upon hearing those words, I was taken back to Collin’s birthday.

I wasn’t awake to watch or listen to him being born. I don’t know how long the doctors tried to bring his APGAR scores up. His nurse, who I will love and never forget, told me he never cried, it was as if he was sleeping when he was taken out. My medical file that details his birth says he was intubated, but it doesn’t say if any attempt was made to resuscitate him or for how long they tried.

The article goes on to say the baby was placed in a cooling blanket and survived. He gets to go home with his parents. The article also says that the cooling blanket contributed to saving him. I am so happy this lady gets to bring her baby home, but so sad this isn’t my story.
Apparently this cooling blanket treatment has been around for the past 7 years.  I wonder why they doctors never tried this treatment for Collin. Even more, would it have made a difference? Or would he still be gone?
I swear I’ve re-run that day in my head a million times. Always wondering if there was something I could have done different. Maybe if I layed down on the couch longer, I wouldn’t have torn. Maybe I should have just upped and drove myself to the hospital, I would have gotten there sooner and he’d be here. Now I have this new treatment to think about; maybe if they tried it he would still be here. Maybe. But I’ll never know.

The questions never stop.


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